When I was about to turn 40, I went through a series of personal and professional crises that had stopped me in my tracks, and led me to question most of what I thought my self and my ambitions had been. I took stock of how far I had come, worked through much of my hurt, and even relived some of the foundational pain that I had kept well hidden, even from myself. Despite everything, I looked back at my life, up to then, and saw that it was good.
Not merely good, in fact, but blessed beyond measure.
I realised, after much reflection, and many miles travelled on a long train trip across Asia, that I could walk away from what I had been doing for years – just being marionetted by other people’s dreams for me, and being haunted and made angry by other people having hurt me. I could choose a different way of Being – more purposeful, more meaningful.
As naive as it may sound, I am choosing to live a good life, to try to be a good person, and to bring goodness to the lives of those around me. It sounds simple, maybe even banal. And certainly there are some days when this new “ambition” feels so small – as if I am throwing away all this “talent” to feed on the crumbs of daily fortunes. Some days, when I feel low, I would cast an eye on the good luck and successes of others, and that familiar wave of Envy and Self-pity comes over me. Some days it feels that I might drown in the inundation.
But some days, like today, when I feel like I’ve touched someone’s life, even if in a small, small way – when it feels like I have pierced through some fog of existential loneliness, to break through and begin to know another human being, and to dignify another’s existence, without guile or grief – on days like today, my heart is full.